Mind Over Mayday

Tag: grief

  • The Emotional Backpack: What We Carry Home After Every Shift

    The Emotional Backpack: What We Carry Home After Every Shift

    Every first responder knows the feeling of coming home after a tough shift—the weight that follows you through the door, the mental replay of a critical call, or the silence that fills the space where words fail. This invisible weight, often referred to as “emotional residue,” builds up over time, creating what I call The Emotional Backpack.

    We may not realize how full that backpack is until it spills over, affecting not just our well-being but also our personal relationships.

    What’s in the Backpack?

    Each call we respond to leaves something behind. For some, it’s the heartache of comforting a grieving family. For others, it’s the frustration of a chaotic scene or the stress of making split-second decisions. Even the calls that go “smoothly” can leave behind fatigue and emotional drain.

    We don’t leave these moments behind when we clock out. Instead, they come home with us, shaping how we interact with our loved ones. This can show up as:

    • Irritability or withdrawal: Small things may trigger disproportionate reactions, or we might disengage entirely.

    • Difficulty communicating: It’s not always easy to find the words to explain what we’ve been through—or to decide whether we want to share at all.

    • Emotional unavailability: Being emotionally drained at work can leave little energy for connection at home.

    Over time, this can create distance in our relationships, strain communication, and leave loved ones feeling shut out.

    How to Leave Work Stress at the Door

    While we can’t avoid the emotional impact of the job, we can take steps to manage how much of it we bring home. Here are some strategies to help lighten the load of that emotional backpack:

    1. Create a Transition Ritual

    Give yourself a buffer between work and home. This could be listening to music on the drive, taking a walk, or even sitting quietly for a few minutes before stepping inside. These moments of intentional transition can help you shift gears mentally and emotionally.

    2. Offload the Backpack

    Find ways to process what you’ve been through. Talk to a trusted colleague, write in a journal, or seek professional support if needed. Sharing your thoughts—even if only with yourself—can reduce their weight.

    3. Set Boundaries

    While it’s important to share parts of your workday with your loved ones, it’s equally important to protect your personal space from becoming an extension of your job. Be honest about your need to decompress, but also make space for meaningful connection.

    4. Practice Mindfulness

    Grounding techniques like deep breathing or meditation can help bring you into the present moment, reducing anxiety and helping you leave the intensity of work behind.

    5. Nurture Personal Connections

    Make a conscious effort to engage with your family or friends. Even small acts, like asking about their day or planning quality time, can strengthen bonds and remind you of the support system you have.

    6. Prioritize Self-Care

    Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and balanced nutrition are essential for maintaining emotional resilience. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for showing up fully at work and at home.

    The Ripple Effect

    As first responders, we pride ourselves on being strong and dependable. But true strength comes from acknowledging the impact of the job and taking steps to manage it. When we learn to offload some of the emotional residue we carry, we’re not only helping ourselves—we’re showing up better for the people who matter most.

    Your emotional backpack doesn’t have to weigh you down. By practicing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and nurturing personal relationships, you can keep work stress from spilling into your home life, creating space for joy, connection, and peace.

    So, the next time you walk through your door, ask yourself: What am I carrying? And what can I set down?

  • Caring for the Dead and Dying: A Sacred Responsibility

    Caring for the Dead and Dying: A Sacred Responsibility

    In the emergency room, we stand at the intersection of life and death, where every moment can shift from hope to heartbreak. Some days, despite everything we do, someone slips away. When that happens, my role changes—from fighting to save a life to honoring the one that has just ended. It’s a sacred responsibility, one I approach with reverence and care, but it’s also a heavy burden to carry.

    After a loss, the real battle begins in my mind. It’s a constant tug-of-war between relief and guilt. Relief comes when death feels like mercy—when someone’s suffering ends after a long battle with pain or illness. But guilt is never far behind. Could we have done more? Did I do enough? These questions echo in my mind, weighing on my heart.

    I remind myself of my mantra: We are not God. We don’t decide who lives or dies. We just do the best we can and leave the rest to a Higher Power. I know this truth, but it doesn’t always quiet the ache. The weight lingers—a mix of sorrow, self-reflection, and an unshakable sense of responsibility.

    Caring for the dead is, for me, a deeply spiritual act. I approach it as I would for a loved one, with gentleness and respect. I clean their body, speaking to them softly as I work, telling them what I’m doing. I close their eyes with care, sometimes offering a prayer or words of peace. These small acts are my way of honoring their life and helping guide their spirit to rest. It’s a sacred moment, a final goodbye, and a reminder of our shared humanity.

    But then comes the cleanup—the part no one prepares you for. The crash cart still sits in the room, its monitor frozen on asystole. The bright fluorescent lights seem harsher than ever, illuminating every detail: the blood, the tubes, the remnants of everything we tried to do. The smell of blood and chemicals lingers in the air, overwhelming my senses. The silence after the chaos feels deafening, broken only by the mechanical sounds of cleaning up the room.

    It’s a sensory overload—the sights, the smells, the memories of what just happened. Cleaning up feels both mechanical and deeply personal. It’s as if we’re closing the chapter on a battle we lost, packing away the tools of a fight that didn’t end the way we’d hoped. These moments are raw, and they stay with me long after the room is ready for the next patient.

    This work is not easy. It leaves an emotional weight that can feel unbearable at times. But even in the midst of grief and exhaustion, I find meaning. I remind myself that every fight matters, even when we don’t win. I hold on to the knowledge that death is not always a tragedy—sometimes, it’s a release from unimaginable suffering.

    Saving lives and losing them are two sides of the same coin, inseparable and relentless. My job isn’t to control the outcome; it’s to give everything I have, to honor the lives in my care, and to carry the weight of loss because that’s the price of compassion and service.

    And so, I keep going. Through the relief and the guilt, the harsh cleanup and the sensory overload, I find peace in the knowledge that I’ve done all I could. Each life I touch, even in their final moments, deserves dignity, care, and love. This belief sustains me when the weight feels too heavy to carry and reminds me why I do what I do.

  • How to Use Trauma-Informed Dialogue to Support Someone Who’s Struggling

    How to Use Trauma-Informed Dialogue to Support Someone Who’s Struggling

    When someone you care about—whether a friend, family member, colleague, or fellow first responder—is struggling, your words and approach can make a huge difference. Trauma-informed dialogue focuses on creating a safe, nonjudgmental space where they feel heard, supported, and understood. Here’s how to implement this compassionate approach:

    1. Prioritize Safety and Trust

    • Start with empathy: Begin by acknowledging their struggle without judgment or assumptions. For example:

    “I’ve noticed you seem a bit off lately, and I wanted to check in. How are you doing?”

    • Be consistent and reliable: Show up when you say you will, listen without interruption, and maintain confidentiality to build trust.

    2. Use Nonjudgmental Language

    • Avoid blame or shaming statements like, “You’re overreacting” or “Why can’t you just let it go?”

    • Instead, try: “That sounds really difficult. I can understand why you’d feel that way.”

    • Remember, trauma responses aren’t about being “weak” but are the brain’s way of coping with overwhelming stress.

    3. Practice Active Listening

    • Give them space to speak: Sometimes, they need to process their thoughts out loud. Avoid jumping in with advice right away.

    • Reflect what you hear to show understanding:

    “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start. That makes a lot of sense.”

    4. Avoid Triggers

    • Trauma can make certain words, tones, or topics feel threatening. Pay attention to their body language and emotional cues.

    • If they seem agitated or withdrawn, adjust your approach. Use calm, reassuring tones and focus on the present moment.

    5. Focus on Empowerment, Not Fixing

    • Instead of saying, “You should…” or “Here’s what you need to do…”, try asking:

    “What do you think would help right now?”

    • Validate their strengths: “I know this is hard, but I’m amazed by how strong you’ve been through everything.”

    6. Know When to Step Back and Offer Resources

    • If their struggles are beyond what you can handle, gently suggest professional support:

    “I’m here for you, but I wonder if talking to someone like a counselor or therapist might help. I can help you find someone if you’d like.”

    • Offer resources without pressure, such as crisis lines, peer support groups, or wellness programs.

    7. Follow Up

    • Support isn’t a one-time conversation. Check in periodically:

    “I’ve been thinking about you. How have things been going?”

    • Even small, consistent actions—like sending a thoughtful text—show that you care.

    Why It Matters for First Responders

    First responders often face unique challenges, including cumulative stress and exposure to traumatic events. Trauma-informed dialogue acknowledges these pressures without minimizing them. It’s about saying, “I see you, I hear you, and I’m here for you,” in a way that respects their experience and humanity.

    By using trauma-informed dialogue, you’re not just helping someone feel supported—you’re creating a foundation for trust, healing, and resilience. Together, we can break down the stigma around seeking help and foster a culture of compassion and understanding.

    You’re never alone in this journey. Let’s make sure no one else feels they are, either.

    Still feeling lost? Here is a sample conversation that puts trauma informed dialogue into practice…

    Scenario: Two EMTs, Chris and Taylor, are chatting after a shift. Chris has noticed Taylor has been quieter than usual and seems stressed.

    Opening the Conversation

    Chris:

    “Hey Taylor, you’ve seemed a bit off the last few shifts. Everything okay?”

    Taylor:

    “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired, I guess.”

    Chris:

    “I get that—this job takes it out of you. But I don’t know, it seems like more than just being tired. I’m here if you want to talk.”

    Acknowledging and Validating

    Taylor:

    “I don’t know, man. It’s just been a lot lately. That call last week with the kid… I can’t stop thinking about it.”

    Chris:

    “Yeah, that was a tough one. Those kinds of calls stick with you. It’s completely normal to feel like this.”

    Taylor:

    “I keep wondering if we missed something, you know? Like, what if there was something more we could have done?”

    Chris:

    “That’s a heavy weight to carry. I’ve felt like that before too—second-guessing everything. But from what I saw, you did everything you could. That kid had the best chance because of you.”

    Using Active Listening

    Taylor:

    “I know you’re probably right, but it just doesn’t feel that way. And then every time I try to sleep, it’s like I’m back on that call.”

    Chris:

    “That sounds rough. Not being able to shake it and having it mess with your sleep—it’s no wonder you’re feeling drained. It makes sense that this would be sticking with you.”

    Taylor:

    “Yeah. And I can’t really talk about it at home. It doesn’t feel right to bring that stuff home, to talk about something like that with my wife who doesn’t need that image in her head too.”

    Chris:

    “That’s tough, I know the feeling. But you can always talk to me. You don’t have to carry this alone.”

    Focusing on Empowerment

    Chris:

    “Have you thought about what might help you feel a little better? Sometimes talking to someone outside of work, like a counselor, can help sort through all of this.”

    Taylor:

    “I don’t know. I’ve never done that before. Feels kind of… weak, you know?”

    Chris:

    “Trust me, I’ve been there. I thought the same thing, but talking to someone helped me work through stuff I didn’t even know was weighing me down. It’s not about being weak—it’s about taking care of yourself so you can keep doing this job.”

    Offering Support

    Chris:

    “If you want, I can help you find someone to talk to. I know a few resources that specialize in first responders. No pressure, just an option.”

    Taylor:

    “Yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it.”

    Chris:

    “That’s all I ask. In the meantime, let me know if you want to grab coffee or vent about anything. There’s also a support group I go to sometimes, once a month, if you’d ever want to go with me. No matter what, I’ve got your back.”

    Taylor:

    “Thanks, Chris. I appreciate it. It would be nice to grab coffee outside of work sometime, and let me know when that group is. I’ll give anything a try at this point.”

    This example highlights trauma-informed dialogue by creating a safe space, validating feelings, avoiding judgment, and empowering the struggling colleague to consider next steps. It’s a realistic approach to starting meaningful conversations about mental health in the workplace.

    If you’re unsure of how to start a conversation with someone who is struggling, reach out to mindovermayday@gmail.com and you will receive personalized advice compiled by myself and my own mentors. Note: we are not licensed therapists or counselors, just fellow first responders on a mission to help other first responders in crisis.

  • Using TIPP to Manage Emotional Distress After Traumatic Calls

    Using TIPP to Manage Emotional Distress After Traumatic Calls

    First responders often face high-stress, emotionally taxing situations that can lead to overwhelming emotions after a traumatic call. TIPP (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive relaxation) provides actionable strategies to manage these feelings effectively. These practices have each helped me tremendously after intense or traumatizing calls. Here’s how first responders can use each component:

    T – Temperature: Cool Your System

    Trauma can cause your body to go into fight-or-flight mode, escalating emotional intensity. Using cold temperatures can help calm your nervous system.

    • How to Apply:

    • Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice pack against your cheeks for 30 seconds.

    • Use cold compresses on your neck or wrists.

    • If accessible, step into a cooler environment (e.g., an air-conditioned space).

    • Why it Works:

    Cooling your body activates the mammalian dive reflex, which slows your heart rate and reduces stress.

    I – Intense Exercise: Burn Off Energy

    After a traumatic call, adrenaline and cortisol levels spike, leading to physical restlessness and emotional overwhelm. Intense exercise provides a healthy outlet.

    • How to Apply:

    • Do 30-60 seconds of jumping jacks, push-ups, or sprinting.

    • Engage in vigorous activities like running stairs or shadowboxing.

    • If at your station, consider using available equipment like kettlebells or a treadmill.

    • Why it Works:

    Intense movement burns off excess stress hormones, re-regulating your body and mind.

    P – Paced Breathing: Reclaim Control

    Hyperventilation often accompanies emotional distress. Paced breathing counters this by slowing your breath and calming your body.

    • How to Apply:

    • Inhale deeply through your nose for 4 seconds.

    • Hold your breath for 4 seconds.

    • Exhale slowly through your mouth for 6-8 seconds.

    • Repeat this pattern for 1-2 minutes.

    • Why it Works:

    Deliberate breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system, helping reduce feelings of panic or overwhelm.

    P – Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Release Tension

    Trauma often causes physical tension. Progressive relaxation helps release that tension and refocus your mind.

    • How to Apply:

    • Start with your toes: tense the muscles tightly for 5-10 seconds, then release.

    • Gradually work upwards through your legs, torso, arms, and face.

    • Pair this exercise with deep, slow breathing for added relaxation.

    • Why it Works:

    This technique reduces physical tension associated with stress and anchors you in the present moment.

    When to Use TIPP

    First responders can use TIPP immediately after a traumatic call, during a quiet moment at the station, or at home when distress surfaces. These techniques are portable, require no special tools, and work quickly to lower emotional intensity.

    By incorporating TIPP into self-care routines, first responders can process trauma effectively, reduce emotional overload, and maintain mental well-being. Remember, seeking additional support from peers or mental health professionals is always encouraged.

  • Honoring Our Fallen: How to Cope with the Loss of a Colleague

    Honoring Our Fallen: How to Cope with the Loss of a Colleague

    Losing a colleague in the line of duty is one of the most painful and difficult experiences any first responder can face. Whether the loss is sudden or after a long battle, the weight of grief is a burden that we often carry silently, never fully knowing how to process the emotions that arise. As someone who has attended several memorials and funerals for fallen EMS professionals and firefighters, I want to share my personal experiences and offer advice on how we can cope with the loss of a colleague, while continuing to honor their memory and legacy.

    My First Experience: The Funeral of Sawyer Coleman

    My journey into understanding grief within the first responder community began with the funeral of Sawyer Coleman, a talented EMS professional and firefighter who tragically took his own life. He had worked his way from a Basic EMT to a Paramedic, eventually becoming a Registered Nurse and even instructing at the United Training Center. It was at this funeral that I truly understood the weight of our profession’s losses.

    What struck me the most that day was hearing Sawyer’s son speak about his father. He described an incredible man who inspired so many, not just through his work, but through the love and care he showed to his family and colleagues. This was a man who had a profound impact on so many lives, yet his internal struggles were hidden from view. Sawyer’s death affected the entire EMS community, and the ripples of that action could be felt far and wide.

    That funeral was not just a ceremony for remembering a fallen colleague; it was a wake-up call for all of us. It made me realize how important it is to honor our fallen brothers and sisters, and how crucial it is to address the mental health struggles that so many in our community face.

    Joining the Maine EMS Honor Guard

    The gravity of Sawyer’s funeral inspired me to join the Maine EMS Honor Guard. It was my way of showing respect and solidarity with those who had given their lives in service to others. The first funeral I attended as a member of the Honor Guard was that of Scott Latulippe, a paramedic who, like Sawyer, took his own life after a long battle with his mental health. Scott’s death, and the fact that he had reached out for help through the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) but could not find the support he needed, deeply saddened me.

    Scott’s wife, Julie Latulippe, has become an advocate for mental health within the first responder community. She has led the charge in the state of Maine to create “Clubhouse” meetings, where first responders can gather to discuss their experiences and the gaps in mental health support services. Julie’s work is a shining example of how we can turn our grief into action and fight for the changes that need to be made in our industry.

    Processing Grief in the First Responder Community

    Grief can affect us in different ways. Some may find purpose in loss, using it as a catalyst to fight for causes that matter, such as better mental health resources for first responders. Others may turn to their colleagues, community, or faith for comfort and support. But there are those of us who struggle with depression, despair, and a sense of hopelessness, especially when proper outlets for grief are not readily available.

    It is critical that we break the stigma surrounding mental health within our profession. We must create an environment where it’s okay to talk about trauma, mental health, and our struggles without fear of judgment. This begins by supporting each other, being there for our colleagues, and acknowledging that grief, though difficult, is part of our healing process.

    The Stages of Grief and How to Work Through Them

    Grief is a deeply personal experience, but there are common stages that many of us will go through when processing the loss of a colleague. Understanding these stages can help us recognize where we are in our own grief process and provide methods for coping with each stage.

    1. Denial
      It’s hard to believe that someone we worked alongside is truly gone.
      Coping Mechanism: Acknowledge the feelings of disbelief and talk to someone who understands your profession. Writing down your emotions or even attending a memorial service can help you process the reality of the loss.
    2. Anger
      We may feel angry at the circumstances, at the person for leaving us, or even at ourselves for not seeing the signs.
      Coping Mechanism: Channel your anger into something constructive, such as advocating for mental health awareness, or find a physical outlet like exercise or journaling to express your feelings.
    3. Bargaining
      We might ask ourselves if there was anything we could have done to prevent the loss.
      Coping Mechanism: Accept that you did your best. Seek out peer support or professional counseling to process the “what-ifs” and let go of guilt.
    4. Depression
      The reality of the loss hits us hard, and we may feel sadness or despair.
      Coping Mechanism: It’s important to not isolate yourself. Reach out to trusted colleagues or friends who understand the unique nature of your grief. Seeking professional counseling can also provide a safe space to work through depression.
    5. Acceptance
      Eventually, we come to terms with the loss and find a way to continue living our lives, honoring the memory of our colleagues.
      Coping Mechanism: Focus on ways you can honor their legacy, whether it’s through volunteering, advocacy, or simply remembering the impact they had on others.

    Helpful Resources for First Responders

    For those of us who are struggling to cope with grief, there are books that can help guide us through the process. Here are a few recommendations:

    1. “The First Responder’s Guide to Coping with Death” by Jeff Mitchell
    2. “Resilience: Hard-Won Wisdom for Living a Better Life” by Eric Greitens
    3. “The Healing Power of Grief: A Guide for First Responders” by Robert J. Wicks

    Conclusion: Finding Strength in Grief

    The loss of a colleague is never easy, but it is through our collective grief that we can find strength. By honoring our fallen brothers and sisters, supporting each other, and breaking the stigma around mental health, we can ensure that their legacy lives on. It is crucial that we continue to have conversations about mental health, seek support when needed, and be there for our colleagues in their time of need.

    Remember, we are not alone in this journey. As first responders, we are a community, and together, we will heal. Let us continue to honor those we have lost and work towards a future where no one has to suffer in silence.

    In the end, our strength is found in each other. Together, we rise.

    For more information on the statewide “Clubhouse” meetings, or to join the email list, go to the Contact Me page, and get in touch.